Cruel Irony

It's so incredibly ironic how I can write a post such as "Rooted In Fear", which proves that I academically know what I'm talking about, and then fall prey to the very same. For I have, my friends. I have fallen prey to fear. Fear of giving up control. Fear of the closeness. Fear of complete mental openness. Pure, unchecked, raw, fear. Talk about a hairpin curve in the road of life. I don't know where it's coming from, or why, but it's here nonetheless. I've cried for about five hours solid as I've sought to battle my way through it. I must admit, I'm not making much head way. I throw myself against the wall it presents, and get tossed backwards. I stand up, more frustrated than before, and then. . . . just give into the frustration. What's even worse is that where there is fear, there's anger. I'm not a lashing-out kind of angry person. I'm the sullen, simmering, quiet one. I'm the one that very suddenly gets very, very, very quiet and polite. Yes, my friends. . . . my old enemy, Passive Aggressive, strikes again. Some recent situations with a couple of friends have shown me how much love can truly exist between two people, and it drove home the fact that I have ALL of that, and far, far, far more. Which, if I'm honest with myself, scares me. What if it all goes away? I remember life before this. . . . and it wasn't really life. What if?

Thus is the struggle, and that's where I've been for the last couple of days. I don't know if I'm building a wall, or seeking to tear one down. REGARDLESS, I know that nothing within me has truly changed, for I still take all joy in the world at being KYOTKGUY's. I'm an emotional mess, but, I'm coming to terms with the fact that the mess really doesn't matter. . . . it's acknowledging it that does.