Waves

There are times when life seems utterly ridiculous, and it feels as if everything is spiraling out of control. The past couple weeks have, in one form or another, felt like that for an one of a million reasons. When I close my eyes, I can feel strong wind blowing, the waves lapping higher and higher at my legs, and the cold darkness seeping into my bones. 

Notice, though, that I'm not sinking. Amidst the raging storm of life, I have a rock that I can stand on, sit on, and curl up on and cry, knowing that it will never sink. Over the past two weeks (maybe a bit longer), I've had to be reminded that that rock is there, over, and over, and over, and over. Sometimes, the reminder is gentle, a simple touch, a look, a tone. Other times, the reminder is FAR more painful and lingering.

I keep forgetting. I don't know how, or why, but I keep forgetting that rock is there, has been there, will be there. I get touchy, moody, irritable, snappy, and any number of vices start to rear their ugly head. . . . . . which only lands me in a world of trouble. Some of the time, a solid reminder will sort me out, and other times, I get more upset because I was spanked.

This morning, KYTOKGUY was asking something of me that I just KNEW I couldn't do; would never be able to do. He might as well be asking me to fly. He, however, had COMPLETE confidence in my ability to comply with his request, and he wasn't giving any ground. Three times he spanked me. Each time, he drove home the point that I was allowing my fear more control than I was giving him (not that I give or take it away, but you guys get the drift), and that just wasn't gonna fly. After the first spanking, I was a sobbing hysterical mess, thinking that he was being completely unreasonable and I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I put a little bit of effort into completing the task (and it wasn't unreasonable; it wasn't hard. . . . . . it just felt like that. It felt like he was literally requesting that I learn to fly. NOW.) but I didn't calm down enough to really put any real effort into it. . . . . . .  I didn't figure he'd actually spank me again, as emotional as I was.

Well, he did. I was still a crying mess the second time he hauled me to my feet and spanked me. After that one, I realized he was dead serious, but that didn't make the task at hand any easier. Far from it, now I was not only emotional, I was in pain, and it was a deep-set, lingering pain not going away any time soon. However, I took too much time calming down from the spanking, again, to really put any focus in to finishing. I almost finished. Forcing myself step by step through the task, I couldn't quite wrap it up. As he hauled me to my feet a third time, I was a hysterical sobbing mess, all the more upset because I was actually TRYING to finish it.

This third, and final, spanking was far more painful than the prior two, made all the worse because of my emotional state. I didn't even bother trying to calm down, once it was over. I dropped directly to the floor, and just sobbed. Somewhere in the midst of that, I finished the task. I don't remember finishing it, but I did. He drew me up into his lap, and worked on calming me down all the way. Gently rubbing my back, he held me close and soothingly explained. I wasn't anywhere close to calming down; far from it. However, he just talked.

"I'm so sorry that had to happen, love. . . . . .more than words can say, but it did have to happen."

He went on to explain that if he had allowed me to give into the fear this time, that the next time, it would be that much harder. He noted that the only reason I was trying at all was because of the consequences, and that I wouldn't have put forth any effort at all had he not been more "convincing" than my fear. He apologized again for having to do that, but he wouldn't allow me to end up in the same shape I've been in, for we've worked far too hard on so many things for that to happen, and if we give any ground, for any reason, it's a start of a downhill slide.

I was just listening, and continuing to calm down. At first, I couldn't believe that he was spanking me over ANY of this. I couldn't believe he was forcing me to face my fear, and forcing me to do so by making the pain worse than the anxiety and fear. Once I finally came to terms with the fact that he had made his expectations clear, and that it was my own mental blockades preventing me from complying, I understood why he had been so steadfast about the whole thing. It didn't make the pain from the spankings any less, and it didn't make the emotions go away, but at least, finally, I understood.