Take Two

Yesterday was a speedbump. . . . but the lesson was driven home, and it's one that I hope is never repeated.

 That is from a post of mine from November 8th, 2009.That day, I had been struggling, and had refused to reach out to KYOTKGUY, and instead, I just dealt with everything MY way, out of fear of being forced to face my anxiety and the issue at hand.

Unfortunately, some lessons are extremely hard in the learning. . . . . . . . . and I've just had that one repeated. Yesterday, I managed to convince myself that completely and randomly changing a plan that had been in place, and working well, for days was not only ok, but that it was a good idea. Once asked about it, I then tried to convince him that it was a good idea.

I changed the plan because I wasn't willing to put forth the effort required to stick to it. . . . . I was scared of failing, scared of the implications, scared of anxiety, scared of all of it! He'd given me a little leeway. . . . . . said he trusted me to do it on my own, and instead of doing as I knew I should have, I immediately gave into the fear, and went my own way.



Not only did I give in, but I didn't reach out. I didn't ask for help; I didn't ask for accountability; I didn't ask for the support and love I needed in order to do things correctly. Now, as I writing this, I understand all of those points. Before I was spanked, I didn't get any of it. During the spanking, I didn't get any of it. Even after the spanking, I was a little slow to understand. . . . . . . but then, it all fell into place. It made sense.

I was not allowed to allow anything else to guide my thinking willingly, and without a fight. I was not allowed to allow compulsion and fear to reign, without at least TRYING to fight back. I was not allowed to lay down and say, "This is too hard; I give up for today." I was not allowed to not ask for help. I was not allowed to not reach out when the fear got too much, or when it was about to lead me astray.

So. . . . . . . . . now it all makes sense, and now, after take two, I really think I've gotten it. I'm rarely a slow learner, but this time, I definitely was. These appear to be two different issues, but at their core, they're the same. I allowed fear and compulsion to drive my actions, instead of putting up at least some sort fight, and I didn't reach out. After a very focused and intense reminder, I'm pretty sure this lesson will stick around.