Lessons Learned

Lesson Number I don't even know has come about as a result of Day Ten. Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was struggling with some issues that seemed overbearing and huge, and, for awhile, I refused to contact KYOTKGUY. I was anxiety ridden, and didn't think that I'd be able to deal with it. . . . . and I knew that he'd force me to work through it. I was scared about having to deal with the anxiety and underlying issues, and I just didn't WANT to deal with it. Not to mention. . . . . I didn't want to present with "issues". I decided that I was able to deal on my own, and I quickly, and impulsively, and dangerously, did so. *looks down* I had allowed my thoughts to override my submission, and I acted of MY will, and out of MY comfort zone. I DID act out of fear and impulsion. . . . but I DID have the thought that I should contact him, and I chose to override it.

The lesson from yesterday was that I don't get to selectively submit. *looks up* I knew that I was expected to contact him if I were struggling, and I chose not to. I wasn't spanked for doing what I did. . . . but I was paddled for not reaching out when I knew I was supposed to, and for not mentally submitting. I chose to disregard his thought that he could help me through it, and I took the easy way out. I allowed my thoughts, and my will, to attempt to override his.

I am learning that being able to express my submission is a gift that KYOTKGUY gives me, in and of its own right. He has accepted the gift of MY submission, and he turns around and gives me the gift of being able to express it. I don't always express it the way I wish I could, although I am learning. . . . . at times, quite painfully. Yesterday was a speedbump. . . . but the lesson was driven home, and it's one that I hope is never repeated. The lesson that was learned is one that I've been struggling with for awhile. I have a very strong "control" side. . . . and the passive aggressive side of me says, "Well, don't actively fight. . . . be passive! Just gently disreguard, or be civilly disobedient." Which is, at its core. . . . . disobedience. Selective submission is not complete submission, nor would I want it to be. The past 10 days (today is day 11), I have learned so incredibly much about what my submission means. I have learned about love, acceptance, and acknowledgment. I have learned about life, and how much stronger it makes me to be able to be led. Those lessons have been ongoing for months, and they're ones that I've realized, but haven't truly focused on, and recognized, until recently.

You see. . . . . when I lead myself, or assume control, I do so out of fear, or what seems as necessity. I do so with a wariness of "I doubt his ability to lead me." Whether that is a conscious thought, or not. . . . it's there. When I allow myself to be led, the fear, the wariness, is gone. My strength is made complete through my submission. When I submit, I show not who the rest of the world needs to see, but I show me, as I am. Therein, my friends, lies the magic of submission.