Passive Aggressive

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Lack of submission, on some level, is always rooted in fear. I'm going to add to that, and say that passive aggressiveness also causes a lack of submission. Passive aggressive behavior is an unobtrusive way to gain control. Not always a conscious choice, it tends to be present most often in those who have grown up in an emotionally repressive environment or in an abusive situation. Growing up, any kind of outward rebellion, for me, was absolutely forbidden. It wasn't worth my life (literally) to have the word "no" as part of my vocabulary. Brutal and savage beatings or emotional harassment would result. My solution was to comply with the request in order to avoid "punishment" or to avoid causing a scene. My compilation, however, was often mediocre at best, sullenly completed, or was several days late. Somehow, someway, my fingers were in it so that *I* was in control of the situation. If they got angry, kudos to me; I made them that way. If they went on a screaming tirade; kudos to me; I was still in control of the situation. *I* was in control of MY emotions. *I* was the one backing my choices and decisions with logic.

Such was a survival mechanism growing up. Now, though, it absolutely has no place in my life. I will be the first to say that my passive aggressive tendencies are, at times, quite strong. They have been recently. I am, however, getting better at recognizing them and changing them without "outside intervention." *cuts eyes towards KYOTKGUY*

Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes he has to very firmly turn me over his knee, and remind me that absolutely nothing less than my complete submission will be accepted, and that while obedience is demanded and expected of me, submission is all that he will accept.

That's what happened tonight. I have been procrastinating and always finding a reason *not* to do something for about two weeks now. . . . . I was spanked over it last week, called on my passive aggressive fit, and told to get it done.

I didn't. Oh, I had every INTENT of getting it done. . . . . but I just didn't quite get there. Tonight, he very matter of factly pointed out my lack of submission, my passive aggressive fit, and the fact that I was pushing his good-will a little far. He quickly put me back on the straight and narrow.

The spanking, while intense, was short. I was crying wet tears from about the 4th swat in, and I didn't stop for quite some time. He left me after it was over (and he'd calmed me through the initial hiccupping fit) curled up with my big stuffed dog while he completed a couple of jobs, and then he came back. He asked me if I was ready for him to finish the spanking, and while the thought nearly brought tears back to my eyes, I told him very simply, "Yes, Sir." He drew me into his arms, searched my eyes, and said, "I think we're done, love." I just snuggled into his belly.

So, does a spanking help "take care" of passive aggressive behavior? Hmmm. . . . . not directly. It's much like doing anything else that will get me spanked . . . . . I can continue doing it, if I want. . . . . but based on what happened last time, I don't want to. It's an incentive to ensure I stay in the proper mind-frame, and avoid trying to assuming control, because when I do so, I'm very quickly taken over his knee and dropped back into my place. There are two options to go after a spanking. . . . . . the first is to be sullen and upset over the spanking and the pain (and I'll admit that I'm sometimes guilty of this. . . . but only when I'm not accepting of the control I willingly accept, invite, and love), and the second is to learn from it so that it doesn't have to be repeated. :-)

That's my two cents for today. :-) It's been too long since I've heard from you guys, and I'm sure you guys are thinking the same about me! I'm sorry I'm so sporadic lately; please bare with me. :-)