My Subspace

I told you guys yesterday that I'd tell y'all what it took to get me to subspace. . . . *deep breath*

So, here we go. I feel as if I'm baring my soul here. . . . . I am a very controlling person by nature. I like to feel in control, and I like to assume control of even the small things. That, of course, wars with my emerging submissive side. There's this side of me that is resistant to submission until it's proven to me that he's serious. . . . but that's a whole other post. In any case, a lot of my being revolves around control. Now, I don't mind playing. As a matter of fact, I enjoy it (on a different level) as much as the next person. However, for me to even APPROACH, subspace, I have to KNOW that a person CAN assume complete control of me. I will gently push, and if I win the first gentle push, I don't push again, but nor do I get emotionally involved. I will play; I might get vocal, but that's all it is. . . . . . just surface playing.

I will not engage on a deeper level with someone who cannot assume control of me. I welcome the fight, the challenge to come out on top, and until it is PROVEN to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not stronger, either physically, nor mentally, I will not give in. The less I'm able to win, the harder I try. . . . until, something in me clicks, and I just. . . . .know. It's ok to be me. It's ok to let go. . . . and that's the first step. KNOWING that it the person I'm with IS strong enough to handle me, and my iron will.

Secondly, it takes a pretty intense spanking. Not intense as in "mind blowing pain". . . . often, intense as in LENGTH. The two times I've been put in subspace, my mind didn't get to that point of "panic". . . . . that "it hurts TOO badly; I've gotta get away!" kinda mindset. It definitely HURT, but it's more the continuation of pain, not the INTENSITY of pain . . . . . but it does take awhile. I have to process my barriers, and often, it needs to be proven to me over and over that I can be controlled until I'm ready to just break down. This often involves me fighting until I can't fight anymore. . . . and it's not that I'm fighting the SPANKING. If you let go of me, completely, I wouldn't get up. I'm more respectful than that. I would stay over your knee, but, I would also know that you couldn't control me. Hence, the chance to get me to subspace is GONE.

You may ask. . . . . how do I know this? Well, I've been put in subspace twice. However, I also know myself. . . . . I know my needs. . . .my personality. . . . . my responses. *shrugs* I may or may not be right. . . . . but that's my take! *soft grin*