California Catharsis

I'm back on the ground in Colorado. I'm sitting here (extremely uncomfortably, may I add) thinking about the past 24 hours. I was not so lucky as to get away scott-free on the ID thing. . . . . Dallas did spank me for it. I'm not sure exactly what he used. . . . . I wasn't watching. . . . but it felt like a belt. It wasn't long, but it was definitely enough to make a point. As much as I travel, I have GOT to be careful. . . . had I not had back-up ID, I would have been ROYALLY screwed. His point was not only the irresponsibility itself, but also the reason behind it. . . . lack of sleep, among other things. I hadn't had any solid sleep in several days, and I was scattered and exhausted. However, as I now know, no excuse or justification is even worth tossing out with Dallas. . . . it's just not worth trying. :-) I'm a debator. . . . . (Hoorah Lincoln-Douglas debate!) it took me awhile to just say, "You know what, Keagen. . . . accept what you did and shut up." I did happen, though.

After that, the fun started. Now, I love to sing. . . . . those of you that know me, know it's one of my forms of stress relief. However, unless I'm on the road, driving, I have a REALLY hard time singing in front of people. Self-confidence thing, ya know? :-D However, we sang karoake for awhile, and had a ton of fun. I mostly listened to Dallas, but he had me sing (or try to sing lol) a couple of songs. We talked for awhile, mostly about life and the craziness it entails lol. I also discovered that I have an ability to try to hula-hoop. . . . . as does Dallas :-D We spent a lot of last night laughing our asses off. Then. . . . . Dallas turned serious on me again.

"Keagen, we're not finished here, are we?"

"Sir?"

We went on to talk about my undying, unyielding need for control. . . . and the fact that I needed to let go. I needed to allow someone else to be in control. . . . .I needed to relax. Yesterday during the shoot, Dallas somehow wormed his way into my head, and he used his knowledge to help me learn a valuable lesson. . . . . Letting go is ok. I don't always have to be strong and in control. Is a lifetime of habits and defense going to be broken in one night? No. . . . but the fact that it happend at all is astounding. Basically, Dallas assumed total and complete control, and wouldn't allow me ANY of my coping mechanisms. I'm not going to list them here, because I don't need anyone else trying to mess with me lol. :-D ( I don't mean that in a bratty way. . . . I'm just not ready to fully deal with it.) Everytime I'd try to assume control in ANY way (and I've got about 10 different ways of doing so), he'd spank the holy hell out of me. Eventually, I just stayed in the position he placed me in, relaxed, and cried. . . . wet tears. I have NEVER cried wet tears like that before. . . . I've cried during a spanking three times before, but it was from frustration, or anger, not from a release. Last night (this morning?) was. . . . something I've never experienced, and I hope to again. *sigh* However, the knowledge that Dallas has about my coping mechanisms can't be taken away. . . . Pretty sure if I shoot for him again, it'll go differently than it did this time. . . .