S (Safety in his hands)
U (Understanding in all things)
B (Backing of goals and dreams)
M (Mindfulness of activities)
I (Intense reality checks as needed)
S (Support and love)
S (Solace and a listening ear)
I (Interested in my success and life)
O (Only his)
N (Never gonna be alone. . . .)
So I was in a bit of a poetic/artsy mood. . . . bite me. . . . *grins* Just totally kidding. Seriously, though, I'm having to dig through what submission truly means, and I'm struggling. I want to submit more than I ever have, and am struggling to do so. I need the strength to let go. . . . yet the more I strive to do so, the more I hang on. . . . the more my claws dig in. . . . The more I dig in, the more frustrated I get. . . . the more frustrated I get, the more I snap. . . . the more I snap, the less submissive I get. . . . I said something yesterday to Scunge. "It's as if my submissive bones are broken." I take no greater comfort than in giving KYOTKGUY my submission, and while I haven't in any way, shape, or form withdrawn that (as if such a thing would be possible), I am, for some reason or naught, fighting. In direct appearance, I'm fighting him. . . . but I'm also fighting myself. I WANT to kick my will to the curb, for it's rending my soul into pieces. . . . but I don't know how to let go. Mentally, I have dug my trench, and I want out of it. . . . The strength to climb doesn't seem to be available, though. I am not actively fighting his guiding physically, but, then again. . . . I rarely do. I'm passive aggressive, not actively rebellious. No, my mental resistance is coming across in the sullen tone. . . . in the excessive pauses. . . . in the overwhelming fear.
*simply* I'm reaching out to those of you with far more experience than myself. . . . How can I get past this? I am happily his, and I want nothing more than to cease this constant internal battle. I'm sure his frustration level is just high, if not higher than, mine. How can I find my way out of this deep, dark, scary trench of attempting to seizing control, and back into the place I belong?
Keagen, the only thing that I can offer, is trust KYOTKGUY, talk to Him, together you may find a way.
ReplyDeleteDom's have other problems, the only other thing that I can offer is my support.
Warm hugs,
Keagen...trust can be a fickle thing. If you truly trust him, then not only does he need to know it, you need to know it. So, I guess the first question is, do you trust that he will lead you better than you would lead yourself? If so, I think you have the start to your answer. Sometimes submission appears to be given, but until you truly have to give up all semblance of control do you find out what true submission is.
ReplyDeleteI trust him with my body, heart, and soul. He can definitely lead me far better than I can lead myself. . . . That's a fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kajam. . . .
It's difficult. That's for sure.
ReplyDeleteFor those with past abuse, it's even harder. What is happening to you is a defense mechanism that your brain has employed to protect you from being abused again. That, I would gather, is something even more difficult to just "kick to the curb". It's embedded deeply into your psyche. Resistence, as you imply, is not deliberate......
Don't know what advice to give you except to keep working on it.
s.
That reminds me of when I met my husband...Then my b/f...It was as if I was testing him..."If I do this...will he leave me"...
ReplyDeleteI ended up marrying him so it worked out...
Though we are now estranged but that is another story lol...
Karen x
S, thank you so incredibly much for the insight. . . . I didn't think about the "defensive" side of things. . . . just the "defiance" side of things.
ReplyDeleteKaren, glad you met your partner!
I have read some of your blog and enjoy it very much. I myself have a blog that I started about a month ago. Iwould love to know your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIt is a Journal of my exploration into the domination submission world of D/s and how I struggle between my submissive heart and my logical feminist mind that tells me submission is wrong while my body and heart tell me it is sooooh right!
http://reinartsubmissjourney.blogspot.com/