This summer has been hectic, stressful and very much *not fun.* May was . . . . passable . . . . although at the time, I thought things couldn't get worse. With the first anniversary of my father's death at the end of May, the build up was intense. June began well -- and then summer classes started towards the end.
Let me tell you about summer classes. They're insane. No one in their right mind takes them while they're doing ANYTHING else. They take 5 to 8 hours of DEDICATED work a day. That's including homework, quizzes and tests -- not necessarily the studying part.
Do you guys wanna know what *I* did?
I decided to take TWO of them. Yup, that's right -- TWO.
You wanna know what ELSE I do? I work full-time. 40, 60, sometimes more, hours a week.
I know it sounds like I'm a bit depressed, but I'm actually not. I'm just *tired* and frustrated with the hamster wheel.
I'm starting to fall behind in things that don't seem to matter as much and that appear to be able to wait and it feels like I'm barely keeping my head afloat: house work, laundry, exercise, some relationships, paperwork . . . . .
How does this fit into this TTWD?
Well -- I'm hard to catch up with because I'm always doing *something.* I'm often wound extremely tight and as such, I'm either waspish, moody, and rushed or I'm distant and non-engaging. Being an Aspie, my brain and nervous system can only take so much before I enter melt-down stage (typically noticeable in the beginning stages as irritability and what appears to be anxiety) or I withdraw in order to attempt to *prevent* that and I lose a lot of emotional functioning.
I think I've seen my Sir a couple of times since the beginning of June -- and while I know that's more than some of you, and I'm thankful for those times, it's still been a hard couple of months. Both of us have a tendency to ignore the physical distance between us -- and while I'm thankful that we're oftentimes able to do so, it makes the times when I'm not able to ignore it quite as well that much more poignant.
I think I'm just rambling, to tell ya all the truth. I took some time to myself (which I probably shouldn't have done, seeming as I have 150 calculus problems due and a 300 step accounting problem due that's worth a quarter of my grade, not to mention real work) -- just to analyze some of my thoughts -- and while they're not any clearer, at least they're not just *mine*.
Hey girlie!! Need some help?? Maybe I (we) can help! I will message you privately with my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the way you're feeling, I recall feeling that way when in school as well. I would get so overwhelmed, burnt out, and it was almost like -- well, like you said, a hamster wheel! Am I making ANY progress at all??? I had a lot going on, different from you, of course. School full time, 30 hour a week job, a newly diagnosed disabled child who needed weekly therapy and medical appointments run to, a baby under 2, a pending divorce with a man who was putting constant pressure on me to give up my schooling to focus on HIM, calling me selfish for not doing so, and saying I did not care about my kids, all the while he continued to have multiple girlfriends.....emotional mind fuck going all along with it, and it seemed like I would never be out of that tunnel.
What I had to cognitively tell myself daily was "this too shall pass". I would imagine in my head -- 10 yrs from now, will I be feeling the same way, stuck in this same rut? I knew I wouldn't. Then I would imagine, '5 years from now. Will I be in this same boat?' - I knew, at the very least, the stress of divorce would be over, the baby would be older and in school, my own schooling would most likely be completed.....I had to just keep my eye on that very dim light at the end of the tunnel. Even on days I could not see that pinpoint, and was surrounded in darkness, I had to use my brain to tell me that it was indeed there nonetheless, but just possibly blocked by something at the moment that disabled me from viewing it at my distance!
But girl.....I feel for you!
sarah
Hi Kea,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your post, I thought, "Two classes in the summer? That doesn't sound so terrible." Then you shared that they are calculus and accounting (Gaaaaaa!) and you are also working full time. Yep, that sounds like too much.
The good news is, as Sarah mentioned, summer is almost over and you will soon emerge from the other side. Your challenge now is to survive (which fortunately or unfortunately seems to be a skill you know well). I think Sarah's advice is right on target. There are better days ahead. Direct your focus toward getting there.
Please take good care of yourself. You're worth it!
Big hugs,
Bonnie
You guys are both wonderful. Thank you so much for your heart-felt comments, as well as your support.
ReplyDeleteI know this is going to pass -- but then the semester starts. :-)
As in the past, keagen, you will get past this time in your life and will be a stronger person because of it. Learning to relax during your rare down times is most important as you know, I am sure. Overloading yourself is not good, and it is not failure to let go of something that is not as urgent as is another. Try to maintain an even keel which I knkow is difficult, but you are a strong woman for such a young woman and I am confident you can do it. Best of luck to you, Cutie, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Mick, aka SantasSpanker
ReplyDeleteMick,
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so much! I'm glad to see you around -- I've missed you!
Ahh love!! At least we have each other to bitch at! I'm always a text message away, and just think! The summer is almost done! And, you know this as well as I: Pearson sucks!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree!!!!!! Pearson is ruining my life. :-|
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda glad your class is down, too -- it means I won't be alone if this exam doesn't get in!
Feel for ya. Been there too. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteLR