26 February 2009
Never Say Die
I was sitting here (still uncomfortably) musing about last night. That was an insanely long, hard paddling, and usually, far less intensity and length would have had me crying. So, I got to thinking. . . . what's the difference? Now, I know that emotional set-up has a lot to do with it. . . . . When I was yanked over his knee last night, I went over with the full intent of NOT breaking, or backing down, no matter what. I was dead determined to win the battle. Does sheer will power work to get through a crazy spanking? Obviously, there's something to the idea. . . . . My defiance kicked up a level, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad. So, with the combination of the "No, I won't fucking give in." and the will power that said, "Hang on. . . . he'll have to stop sometime. . . . .hang on", I managed to make it through. When I was finally put back on my feet, I was no less determined to win than when I had first gone otk. Hmm. I'm just. . . . .trying to work through the emotional dynamic last night, and why that wasn't effective. Part way through, I had been asked, "Does that hurt?!?!?" I snapped off, "Well, duh!" It DID hurt. . . .it hurt like hell. Somehow, someway, though, the pain wasn't connecting. Hmm. I'll think some more, and I'll come back in order to expand this thought.
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It's an interesting situation. You earned a spanking, so it had to be given, and without it I'm guessing you wouldn't be having to question yourself about these issues. But it seems the spanking alone isn't going to answer anything. At some point, are you going to be convinced that your disciplinarian's concerns must be respected? As a child, if your parent comes to you with something they feel is important, then I was taught it's important. Failure to recognize and respect that was a sure way to get into trouble you didn't want to be in.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing what's going on, Keagen, and I hope tonight everything works out for the best. In any case, I'm happy you have people who care about you.