Sub Drop

I think I've had my first experience of "sub drop" that wasn't party drop. Most of you are familiar with party drop -- you have such an amazing time and it's non-stop fun and play for days -- and then, all of a sudden, it's over . . . . and it's like the harshest reality check on Earth.

Sub drop, though? I'd never even really heard of it. I'm pretty much a "spanko purist" and so, I don't dabble a lot in many of the BDSMy type stuff -- but I have friends who do.

After reading my last post and talking with me the past couple of days, one of friends who is rather active in everything from spanking to edge play to sexual masochism to bondage to general torturous type stuff stepped forward and said, "Hey, you're not crazy -- what you're going through is called "sub drop" and it's actually pretty common."

I didn't believe her, at first. I was explaining how absolutely out-of-control and desolate I felt and attempting to expound on the swirling emotions that would ebb and flow at the drop of a hat -- and not nice emotions, either. Everything from rage to neediness to frustration to anger to depression to guilt to fear was wracking my body and mind with no clear, discernable reason.

I was so confused and further upset by the intensity of the emotion. I am not an emotional person. I am not "clingy" or "needy" and I don't have outbursts of much of *anything,* let alone raw, uncontained anger (or frustration or guilt or fear or anything else).

Last night was so strange, and actually what triggered the conversation I had with my friend. I was absolutely bewildered by what happened and I just didn't understand -- I started out genuinely fearful of being spanked . . . . . and I wasn't spanked. So, then KYOTKGUY decides that I may or may not be getting a spanking -- he'd reassess in the morning (today). Well, that whole concept of not knowing just didn't sit well with me.

I went from fear of being spanked to being willing to accept a spanking to being scared of both receiving a spanking and NOT receiving a spanking to HAVE TO KNOW RIGHT NOW which of those options it was going to be . . . . . . and because I wouldn't quit pestering KYOTKGUY for the answer, he spanked me right then and there, on the spot.

It was a spanking I deserved. I deserved it not only for my conduct and general sullen, waspish demeanor, but also for continuing to pester him when I had already been given a very clear answer -- he'd think about it and decide in the morning. I knew I deserved the spanking.

I practically lost my mind over that spanking. I'm not even kidding. I was infuriated beyond words. I was frustrated; I was sullen. I was so angry, instantly, that I not only yelled at KYOTKGUY (something that I NEVER, EVER do, and not because I'm "not allowed" -- because I respect him far too much to do that), but I threw several things. I honestly was so angry that I couldn't even think or process it -- and so I resorted to throwing things and kicking them off the bed.

KYOTKGUY stayed perfectly calm and almost seemed a touch bemused at the episode -- and the calmer he got, the more spit-fire angry I got. With every item I would throw, kick off the bed or scream about, he added more punishment to be dealt with later. He said he wasn't going to try to reason with me like this and we'd deal with it all when I was calm and rational again. The more punishment he added, the more irrational I got.

Completely randomly, I started crying. Kid you not. I'm in, like, the middle of a raging, storming, screaming fit, the worst I've ever thrown EVER, and I randomly start crying and not just a little bit of crying.

The anger faded -- and exhaustion took its place. The more the anger faded, the more miserable and desolate I felt. I was *exhausted* and felt like a wrung-out sponge . . . . . and in that instant, the anger just dissipated. It was gone. Completely. It took over like a hurricane then swept out leaving a path of destruction and hurt behind.

I cried for *hours* . . . . . I was clingy, fearful and confused. Not only did I not understand what had happened, I didn't understand where the fear, anxiety and confusion was coming from. I am NOT needy. I am NOT clingy. I am NOT jealous. I am NOT demanding. I am NOT any of those, ever, and I felt them all at once.

I don't remember going to sleep -- but I do know I cried myself to sleep, snugged against KYOTKGUY. When I woke up this morning, everything was peachy-keen, minus the giant list of punishments I'd earned with last night's descent into temporary insanity.

I was explaining to my friend what had happened -- and about how confused I was -- and she's like . . . . "Psh, that's easy. It's sub drop. You had a really tough, hard, intense scene and you needed more touch and grounding and you needed to eat some chocolate. All those endorphins and natural opiates and other chemicals released during the scene and disappearing and you're literally going through withdraws."

I was like . . . . . oh. After doing more research on my own, it does make sense -- perfect sense. I read account after account after account after account of episodes like mine -- and I kinda wish I'd known more about it before hand. Now I know, though, so, if there's a next time, it'll be a lot easier. :-)